How
to Act Like a Chicken
1) Convincing yourself and others that you're a card carrying member of the gallus gallus club is not something you can just jump into. Acting like a chicken takes time, practice and dedication. Start modifying your diet. Eat less spanikopita, nachos, Powerbars and cow and eat more seeds and maize. Eventually work your way up to grubs. (Hey, you're committed to acting like a chicken, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!)
Do NOT eat chicken. What, are you some sort of sick cannibal?
2) Practice the art of roosting. Make a nest for yourself in an elevated area, like a kitchen table, desk or night stand. The top of the refrigerator is a prime location. The height protects you from predators (like the ones who wear white jackets) and the heat generated by the motor will keep your chickeny behind warm.
3) Once you have the nesting down, it's time to start sounding like a chicken. Practice your chickeny cooing with vocal warm-up exercises. I recommend the following:
Baaa
baaa baaa baaaaaaaaaak
Cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck
Ba-BAK! Ba-BAK! Ba-BAK!
If you're feeling a little "cocky", you may expand to more advanced vocal exercises:
Quack
quack quack quack quack
Honk honk honk honk honk
Gobble gobble
4) Give up your misguided attempts to fly. You backed the wrong bird, man.
5) Once you've settled into a chickeny routine and you feel comfortable with your level of poultritude, you can move on to the biggie: laying eggs. Respect the process at all times - do NOT compare the act of laying eggs to a massive episode of constipation. It demeans the process. Don't strain; let the eggs come naturally. (Cooing helps - did you perfect your vocal exercises?) Keep a vial of Preparation C on wing at all times.
6) As a chicken, you have to be aware of all sorts of chickeny dangers. If you see this man, RUN! Do not engage large, tough farm animals if they taunt you with the epithet of "chicken". Remember: it's a compliment. Also, stay away from hypnotists. It is very easy to hypnotize a chicken, and there's nothing more mortifying than a person pretending to be a chicken pretending to be a person.
Next lesson: How to act like a wombat.